Why I'm not aiming to graduate with a first.

We've all been there.

Looking at our assignment brief, the panic. The sweat. The binge eating Ben and Jerry's in our jammies whilst watching Netflix and hoping to GOD that someone release's the zombie virus we all know the government is hiding from us (looking at you, Ms May) so that we have a reason to not fail, that isn't of our own doing.

But.

What if I told you that a first doesn't actually mean shit and you can double your productivity if you stop worrying about it?

Listen kids, it's as easy as this; worrying makes you procrastinate. It makes you feel like you could shit out of every orifice at once and honestly, not living for it. So, just fucking chill out.

Want to know how? Use my three easy motivational quotes:

1) Uni ain't shit.
2) Your mental health is more important than fantastic grades.
3) UNI AIN'T SHIT.

I'm not giving you a reason to slack off and not try. I'm not saying bunk off uni all the time, drink too much so you're always hungover and do your essay the night before it's due in. I'm saying, that if you try your absolute best and that's a 3rd, YOU STILL DID YOUR BEST.

I used to beat myself up all the time about my grades, to the point of near hospitalisation from my deteriorating mental health (but at least I got all firsts right???? Wrong. Oh my god, so wrong). I used to be jealous of my fellow students who were naturally academic and could boss out an amazing essay in two hours and get a first. I felt like I didn't deserve my place at university and that I would disappoint my parents if I didn't thrive academically. But at the end of the day, I know that I always do my best with every assignment and try my hardest. I work my ass off (that's why it's flat!) in a healthy manner, give myself time to plan, accept extensions and, well, it's the best my mental health has been.

And if I graduate with a 2:2, then that's the cards I've been dealt. I know how hard I worked and my grade does not reflect that... Nor my worth.


Moral of the story? Work hard without burning out. You'll feel a lot better when you take the pressure off yourself.





If you enjoyed my bullshit ramblings, please leave a comment!

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Twitter- @jaymusicoffici1

Patchwork personality

If I've struggled with anything in my life, it would be committing. Committing to writing a blog, doing my work, the gym, people. I have major commitment issues, happiness issues and just a general lack of care towards myself and my mental health. Most people would call this a mental illness. But, after being in the NHS mental health care system for over 7 years, I've come to the conclusion that some things cannot be fixed.

What fixes mental health?
- A proper sleep routine
-Three meals a day
-Exercise
- The world being without homophobes, racists, sexists...
-No real life pressure

Do you get my point?

Sometimes, people are lucky. All they need to recover is a healthy sleep routine, standard anti-depressants, cut out caffeine and BOOM- sorted. Not better, but the sadness is manageable. And god, am I fucking jealous. Sometimes my jealously gets the better of me. But it's unrealistic. Life isn't the fairest game I've played but at least I'm trying to learn how to play it to my advantage.

I've accepted that life isn't fair, and NO, it's not pessimistic. It doesn't mean that life is bad, it's just that it's unpredictable and you have to learn how to ride that wave. Learn how to react to things and people and being able to protect yourself from the pain life brings. People die, kids get cancer, pets don't live forever, you lose your wallet, your house burns down; It's often out of your control. When you learn to hand that small amount of control over, you learn to react more calmly and think about what you can do to deal with it.

The thing is, because of this, people think I'm screwed in the head. Because I accept that life isn't fair, that I hold my priorities differently. Because I have commitment issues, I have BPD. Because I sleep a lot, I have depression. Because I care about myself more than most, I have a diagnosed mental health problem.

I'm of the opinion that really, I don't have anything wrong with me, apart from my ability to react appropriately to situations in the past. I wasn't mature enough to know how to understand certain things. I think what the doctors believe to be wrong with me, is just a personality I've had to create to protect myself over the years. Things I've taken from movies and people. Things I've learned so that I can be the best version of a human to deal with life.

It doesn't mean that I've acted perfectly. I've made a lot of mistakes, but so has everyone. But it would make sense as to why medication doesn't work, why therapy doesn't work, why I can't fix myself. Because I really think I'm not broken. I've just never allowed myself to personally flourish like most people. I've had to create this version of myself for protection. And when I'm medicated, it's stripped back to nothing. Because nothing has grown beneath my patchwork personality.


I often wonder, if I hadn't have had past trauma, would I still be the same person?
The answer would be no. I would still be a pushover. I would lie to make people desire me. I'd be scared to tell people when they've disrespected me, I'd still be in the closet, all that bullshit. I'm kinda glad that my life hasn't been smooth sailing; A patchwork personality might be lonely sometimes but you've created the person you really wanted to become. I've taken a piece of every person I've met. Be it the way they laugh, the way they smoke a cigarette, their sadness and their joy. Every person has made me the person I am today, but I have never been more unique.

A thank you to my insomnia

First of all, I hated you. You were the part of me I always liked to hide from people, because it made me feel different. You were the part of my life that made me irritated and lifeless, the thing that sucked the life out of my body but stimulated my mind to the point of destruction. You made me my own worst enemy.

So thank you. 

You made me realise that life continues past 12am. I saw the high spirits of drunk people coming home after a night out, hugging their friends and telling them they loved them. I got to know so many people who worked the night shift, talking to them about everything and nothing. 

You showed me the beauty of 5am, when the skies get lighter and the birds come to life. You helped me appreciate the silence which I never seemed to get. 

You helped me cry into my pillow to get rid of the tensions of my day. I get to see how beautiful my girlfriend looks when she’s sleeping, blissfully unaware of me being awake. Reminding that things can be okay. 

You gave me the peace of mind to think about where I want to go in life, whilst sucking the energy out of me at the same time. You are toxic, but I appreciate you. 

Mental health is a commonly spoke about subject, but still holds certain taboo subjects. Not many people want to display their distress, despite the fact that it’s eating them up inside. 

If you can learn to appreciate the beauty of exhaustion, the luck of witnessing the sunrise and the privilege of your friends helping you through every tough bit, you can get over this hump. 

Everything turns out okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. 

Your mental health and education

Mental health is one of those topics that's slightly taboo, yet everyone talks about it. Most people are very willing to help others fight their inner battles, yet fail to take their own advice. Although it's easier said than done (coming from the person who would beat up their best friends depression for them, but will hide under their bed watching Netflix until 3am), your mental health has to be in top physical form so that you can thrive and make the most of university.

Think of it like trying to run a marathon on a sprained ankle. You think to begin with you're able to power through and that you can handle it. But then, you realise you've put too much pressure on it and have to stop because it's too much, causing you much more damage in the long run.
You mental health is the same. If you don't help yourself heal, you won't be able to continue and finish the race and might hinder your healing in the future.
My two main tips to help you are these:

TALK TO PEOPLE!
I don't mean just talking to your friends. I mean, talking to your university, or your parents, or even the staff at your accommodation. Universities understand  that it can be a tough transition, so they'll do their best to make your experience of university more comfortable. If you can't talk to your parents about it, then the accommodation will do their utmost best to ensure that you feel safe and sound.

SELF! HECKING! CARE!!
Now y'all aint gonna like this, but self care isn't just driving yourself into your overdraft with retail therapy. It's making sure you sleep enough at night, showering enough and exercising. It's trying to eat three meals a day and balancing your social life with studying. Yeah, Starbucks is great, but having a balanced life is better. You'll thank yourself for it in the future.

Now, that's enough patronising from me for one day. Help yourself so you can go from this-

 To this!

Stay happy, stay healthy and stay fab!

IG- @jasminepageofficial
Twitter- @_jasmine_page

University

First of all, HELLO OUTERNET, I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE DEAD!

Or maybe I'm writing from Hell. Who knows.

Anywho, it's been a wild fricking ride from my gap year to now. I grew accustomed to the relaxing life of a waitress and snugging it up with my cat every night, so I'd be lying if I said going to university wasn't deemed as scary.

So the first thing that bumbled up on my not so interesting life, was university halls. My first reaction to realising I'd have to socialise kind of looked like this:


But then I realised that we all got on pretty well, and did some amazing things in freshers such as drunk golf (amazing), drunk bowling (not safe but hilarious) and getting drunk in general. Not to mention cute coffee dates, sitting hungover watching jail documentaries and just enjoying each others company.

BUT THEN CAME UNIVERSITY. AND BOY, BUCKLE UP.
Walking into those lectures, palms sweating (knees weak, mom's spaghetti etc) and feeling like a butterfly took multiple shits in my stomach, an amazing realisation dawned upon my crumpled up newspaper of a brain;
EVERYONE IS IN THE SAME BOAT.
Every single student, hungover and smelling slightly like pot noodles and vodka from the night before, is experiencing the same kinda thing. They don't really care about you, because they're trying to get through their own emotions as well. Also, everyone greets you with a handshake, which isn't what I was expecting.

I might have also gone in for the fist bump when someone tried to give me a handshake and wanted to set myself on fire because I'm a failure of a human being (shh).

ANYWHO, in general, I've discovered some groovy-ass people and my love of music business, which I also wasn't expecting, considering the thought of anything to do with using a singular brain cell makes me want to use Russian roulette as pre-drinks.

Too far?

That's all for now, folks. What's the most exciting thing you've found about uni?
Tune in next week for more anecdotes of my not so exciting life. :)

Instagram- @jasminepageofficial
Twitter- @_jasmine_page

Change pt 2 (and why it feels a bit rubbish)

Hello, everyone on the internet.
All 42 of you who read my last post.

Today's blog is a little more serious than the latter, as my brain has decided to RKO me out of nowhere and take a massive shit on my emotions.
(I did say it was a LITTLE more serious...)

Although I'm planning fun and exciting things for my year, it feels as though 2017 got off to a rocky start. The pit of anxiety that usually resides in my stomach like a surly dragon, decided to rear its ugly head and make me stand up for myself and my feelings. In doing so, I hurt myself and I've hurt people who I sincereley care about. But because of my actions, my anxiety pushed its way through and for the first time in a while, I truly took control of a situation.

So why do I feel so shitty?

I know WHY I feel so shitty. But the real question is, how long will these emotions last?
Emotions, although they feel overwhelming within the moment, are ultimately temporary if you so choose it. It's hard, and I can't say that I'm great at instantly cheering myself up. I can, however, reassure you that this will pass, and it won't be long until you can smile without wondering what's worth smilimg for.
My reasons for change were selfish, but for my (and others) own good. I chose to be selfish and I hope that in the future, the people I hurt can look at me with nostalgia and good memories; Not hate and sadness. Because even when you choose to change, sometimes it takes a while for your feelings to catch up. They're not quite as fast as your reflexes, but when you know you need to do something, you know. You feel like you've been punched in the gut, as though the world is falling at your feet but you can't control it. You have to be strong and carry on, especially if your lack of change could hurt the person you care about in the near future.

The only way I can describe emerging from a depression, is like seeing the sun shine for the first time. Colour floods back to everything slowly. You walk a little faster. You laugh a little lighter.
I do believe that you can do it. So, I need to start believing that I can do it too.

Why 'New Year, new me' is a load of bollocks

Hello, friends, aquaintances and those who vaguely know I exist on the internet!
It's time for another, 'Jasmine rants about the world on the internet because everyone is sick of her shit and has stopped listening to her'... Thing.

To cut to the chase, I am so sick and fucking tired of seeing these 'New Year, new me!' posts, because if you really wanted to change, you would have done it sooner and started the year a lot farther ahead in your plans instead of procrastinating the inevitable. For example, most of the people who, on NYE stuffed an inhuman amount of vodka and mince pies in their mouths quoting that, 'I'm on my diet/veganism/sacrificial chants to Satan in a few hours so I'll treat myself now!!!' kind of thing. Now, don't get me wrong, chant to Satan all you want, but don't use this bullshit excuse of a new year to become a different person! Chant to Satan before Christmas, which I'm sure would make his entire day.
BUT YOU GET WHERE I'M COMING FROM, FOLKS.

It's like a self sabotage from December 1st! You're planning to go on a diet in 31 meagre days so you decide to eat 10x more than usual, putting on an extra stone, and then having to work harder in the long run to get to your ideal weight. You buy more cigarettes and smoke more beacause you want to quit in the new year, but end up getting more addicted and being more likely to fail in the long run in your attempt to become and healthier person. But instead of being rational and trying to do things day by day, we, as humans, self sabotage and procrastinate to the point of self destruction and end up becoming more depressed about the whole situation and aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA

DON'T BE THAT PERSON. TRY TO BETTER YOURSELF DAY BY DAY INSTEAD OF GOING COLD TURKEY AND ENDING UP IN A WORSE OFF POSITION!!! WHY AM I SHOUTING?!

Ahem.

Anywho, do what the fuck you want. I don't care. Happy New Year, folks!

 :D

Instagram- @mythicalgypsy