How to heal your broken heart... When you broke it yourself

 I initially was coming on to BlogSpot to vent out some feelings of how my life is going right now. 

How things are going well but in reality, half the time I feel like I'm kicking wildly to keep my head above water. How I've gained weight on purpose to restore my missing periods after years of abusing my body, yet all I want to do is go back to how I used to look because it's been my 'normal' since I was 18. How, I miss my friends yet all I seem to be doing recently is losing them, one by one. How I feel like a fraud in my art, because even though my streams and listeners are going up, due to hard work and dedication, it feels like a fluke, a play of luck, that I didn't earn. 

But when I loaded my page, I saw this empty draft, with the title, 'How to heal your broken heart... When you broke it yourself'.

It was drafted on August 14th. I'd recently left a relationship that I'm still getting over mentally, and was VERY much feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like the villain, feeling like all I do is infect people and make them sick, everything I touched fell to shit in almost an instant. And yeah, some of that was true; I can see where I was toxic, but I can also see now that I'm just a human who makes mistakes and always did things with the best intentions. How the people who have hurt me, yeah they suck, but they're also human too. They mess up. They say stuff they regret. It doesn't mean it's excusable or that that behaviour is acceptable, but it does mean that they're not immune to being fuckups. Do I forgive them? Mostly, yes. But not for the sake of them or the hopes that all those who have hurt me will want me back. It's for me. Myself. And if I'm struggling to forgive them, I at least ACCEPT the situation for what it was and currently is.

The thing is, is that I was the only one standing in my way of recovering from my mental health problems. It doesn't mean that it was easy for me to move out the way of myself; shit, that was the second hardest thing I had to do on my bumpy journey of self love. The first, being accepting that although people have contributed to my trauma, my 'internalised pain' (if you wanna make it sound like a Paramore song), I was the person holding on to the grief, I was the person self destructing, I was the one holding on to my anger and taking it out on every person that was in lashing distance. I was the one who wasn't healed enough to accept the love given to me by my previous partner(s), that was ME. No-one else. So I took a grim look at my life and slowly, but surely, stepped out of my own way. 

It's been so hard, man. 

I'm so exhausted. 

But I don't regret a single, fucking choice I've made this year. 

I'm proud of my achievements, fuck me, I finished a degree and wrote my dissertation whilst I was recovering from Psychosis and a relapse in my Anorexia for fucks sake. I released music I was so proud of, I quit smoking and drinking excessively, I now have a wonderful relationship with food, I'm so fucking PROUD of the fact that I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone, addressing my body image issues, eating real food which isn't just fucking diet coke and black coffee and the fact I can sleep in my bed without feeling things that aren't there and having flashbacks that made me want the world to collapse on me because the thing is this was only POSSIBLE because I chose this road. 

I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I allowed myself to grieve without it consuming me. 

I'm learning to accept that I'm only as toxic as the people I attract. 

I'm learning that there's an actual future for me, as long as I keep myself in check. Recovery isn't a limited time; it's something you practice every. damn. day. I have moments of weaknesses, yes, where I wanna give up, but I look at all my hard work and realise that I'm so close to having the life I want. 

So, to answer your question; How do you heal a heart that you broke yourself?

You accept that whatever's happened, has happened. That it's gonna be tough. That you're a human. Humanize yourself. People love to pin blame on others so they don't feel guilty. But you've probably messed up. I know that I have. And those who fucked you over, you have to accept that it's done, for your sake. Forgive yourself, accept your shit, and look into how you can make those changes so you can have the life you deserve. But one step forward is better than standing still and I'm proud of you for even considering recovery. 

I'm not a doctor, or a therapist, but I'm always an open ear. Look after yourselves. 

Jay x

The Musician's Slump

 I think looking back on my blog posts, I see a recurring theme. Things get bad, I preach about how things aren't as bad as they seem, I get a 7 day motivation and then boom; back to the badness. 

Now, don't get me wrong, things are technically, on paper, going really well at the moment. My EP has finally been announced for release (4th September. Don't forget!), my heart, albeit still on a ice a little bit, is healing well, there's a roof over my head, everything is fine; but under the surface, things feel very much not fine and I feel like I'm drowning.

It's all the expected things which I why I doubt whether or not my anxieties are even valid during this time of 'The Slump'. It's the month before release of the EP (dunno if I mentioned but 4th September) so there's not much more to do other than promotional things on social media and contacting those I want for review. But day to day, everything feels like groundhog day. I wake up, I have a coffee in bed, I have my breakfast, I do a few odd jobs and then suddenly it's 10pm and I feel like I'm contributing nothing towards society and myself. So I start going to bed a bit later, waking up later, doing things less on schedule because there feels like no point and I start to feel worse about the whole situation. I know I stick better to a schedule so that's my downfall; I need to implement that as my self care to keep me sane. Because being a musician is mostly about biding your time. You're waiting for responses, for streams, for gigs, for hype. It's a lot of hard work where you feel defeated in the end because all you're doing is grinding and working for a small result which, in the current moment, doesn't feel like it will lead you anywhere. But it's keeping a semi-optimistic/realistic viewpoint of 'I'm working hard now for the future me and if I give up I'll kick myself in a couple years time'. 

I know I shouldn't bitch about doing my dream job but I know from experience that when you live your dream everyday, it just becomes the new normal. The exciting studio days draw out into 12 hour work days where you're not getting paid, the songs you wrote that made you passionate once are now just verses and choruses that you're trying to perfect in the production. I'm still so passionate about my work and I remain so because I take a step back and remind myself that this will all lead to something as long as I work smart. 

Yeah, the days are long and the pay is non-existent. But hearing the final mix, doing your gigs and seeing people singing your lyrics, getting your name up in lights; that's the fun bit. I'll always live for that. Right now, I just need to remember that this is the hard bit but it's so worth it in the long run. 

For any musician out there, I'm sure you can relate in the frustration of the process. But don't give up! Tomorrow might be the best day of your life but you won't know if you give up now. 

J x 

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Remaining motivated when things are just... well shit tbh

Hey all!

I thought I'd written a blog a lot sooner than the previous but it turns out I drafted it, which, looking back on its content... I can see why I did that. 

Things seem to be drifting back to normality in this crazy world which seems mad to me, considering the threat is still the same as before. I guess when you get used to something the fear kind of slides away. I'm still hoping for the day I wake up and they say 'hey, april fools, here's the vaccine ya punks!' but alas, something tells me that won't be happening any time soon. 

For myself personally, this pandemic has kind of been a good thing for me mentally (hear me out. Don't bite my head off, I know people have died which is NOT what I want so don't cancel me yet). 

When my mental health was at its worst, I always said 'I don't wanna die. I just want time to stop for a bit, so I can live without expectation or responsibilities'. 

So what I'm saying is that my depression may have caused the pandemic. Maybe. 

Probably not. But maybe. 

With the pressure of socialising, university lectures and living away from home taken off my shoulders, I was able to really heal and I'm finally at a point in my life where, shit can hit the fan, and I just take a deep breath, accept the circumstances and then see how I can get around the situation. Even a few months ago I wasn't mentally strong enough to leave my house unless it involved getting a packet of smokes (which I've managed to kick mostly wahoo). I'm finally unmedicated (and thriving without it), I've prioritised my mental wellbeing and MOST OF ALL- I'm actually??? Happy??? 

Like genuinely. I don't make suicide jokes anymore. 

I know.

Despite the fact that I've had a few curve balls thrown my way as of recent (pre-music release slump, feeling bored, newly single, etc) I've actually managed to cope without depending on negative crutches to get me through the day. And if the negative crutches have risen (such as forgetting to eat, smoking, crying until my eyes fall out of my head) I've managed to rationalise them and say to myself-

'Hey, life is pretty shit right now. But. These feelings are temporary and treating yourself like shit won't fix the situation. The only person you're hurting is yourself. So stop crying, dance around naked to George Michael and get over yourself.'

Harsh? Yes.

Needed? Definitely. 

I had a day recently where I genuinely cried for a solid 24 hours and I couldn't imagine life getting better. And then I got naked, had a herbal tea, put on my big girl pants (metaphorical of course, gotta love being nakey) and realised that feeling sorry for myself wouldn't make me feel better. I know this is a viewpoint of privilege; I've had a fuck ton of heartbreak and therapy, rock bottoms and overdoses that led me to the mental position I'm in now. But save yourself the heartache of destroying yourself and get in there early, something I wish I'd done. Use your past mistakes as a place to grow from, don't think negatively about the person who hurt you, remember to take a deep breath. 

So my main tips for staying motivated when things are shattered?

Fuck motivation. Slip in a cheeky finger of dedication. Set your fucking schedule. Get up out of bed even if you don't want to. Listen to a song or a podcast that makes you smile. But most of all, accept your situation. Stop thinking about the 'what if's' and the 'maybe's'. The only way is forward and you can't move in that direction if the baggage of your past is weighing you down. 

Peace out punks, 

J x

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Staying sane in a crisis

Unless you've been living under a rock, I can gather that you're aware of the pandemic inching its way around the world and slowly, day by day, seizing our toilet paper and our will to live. Covid-19 has definitely become more famous than any Kardashian, and probably being spoken about more as well (which blows my tiny little mind).

Throughout this time you would imagine that people would be banding together (whilst being 6ft apart) and supporting one another the most they can. Referring to how the supermarkets look, you can gather that this is not the case.
These times are not only worrying for our health or our economy, but terrifying for someone such as myself who has a bundle of mental health problems (topped with the shiny cherry of Autism) and knowing that there's nothing to do to control the situation.

I know for myself, I've been having daily panic attacks, sheer depression and have eaten approximately 200 Reese's peanut butter cups. All I can panic about it my education (or lack there of), my partner who's struggling, my family and my friends who are all being effected by this time. So fuck it, what can I, and you do, to take the pressure off and take control?

Now from the title I can imagine loads of people thinking from the off that, during this crisis, it's a good excuse for me to be lazy. And yeah, you're right. To an extent.

I cannot control the pandemic or stopping my friends and family from getting ill, but I CAN control what I do and how I react to it. Because at the end of the day, I can't be normal because life isn't normal any more. So my first thought was, 'How can I relieve this stress?'.

First step- sack off uni (kind of)

I've decided to take a step back from university and my work towards it currently because the thought of writing about Beyonce's Lemonade during this time seems completely and utterly useless towards my wellbeing. I know that routine is crucial during a time of uncertainty so I'm replacing my work with something that actually brings me joy: MUSIC ITSELF.
I'm listening to my favourite artists, I plan to record music during this time, write more, experience more. Creating is what makes me happiest so honestly, giving myself the relief from University has taken a massive strain off of my life because I know that no matter what type of degree I get or the score I achieve, there's no point aiming towards it if my mental health is in tatters. So, I plan to continue my career and creativity and use this time to nurture my mind and my soul.

Second step- staying lean in quarantine

I have fibromyalgia and HMS which means that if I'm not mobile, I'm in a hell of a lot of pain. I'm not lucky because in a sense I have to be careful about what I eat to not gain too much weight otherwise my joints dislocate.
I am lucky, however, having workout equipment at home to utilise so that I'm not in too much pain. But there's no stopping anyone else from googling workouts to keep their mind and body intact. Meditation, yoga, pilates etc may seem silly but I promise you, your body and brain will thank you for it.
Despite the fact I've had a past eating disorder and this would be the perfect time to control my food, I know that starving my body wont fix this situation, so staying healthy is the main thing to stop insanity. I urge everyone to do the same.

Third step- schedules

I'm a sucker for a schedule to keep me sane, so I'm aiming to wake up every day the same time and write a list of things I want to achieve. I'll pack my days out and just have fun with spending time alone, audio books, knitting, anything; The last thing I want to do is just be sat on my phone and allowing myself to wallow.

The main thing throughout this is to remember that it's not forever and everything will be okay eventually. But don't forget to share kindness, smiles, and stay safe; physically and mentally.

Why I'm not aiming to graduate with a first.

We've all been there.

Looking at our assignment brief, the panic. The sweat. The binge eating Ben and Jerry's in our jammies whilst watching Netflix and hoping to GOD that someone release's the zombie virus we all know the government is hiding from us (looking at you, Ms May) so that we have a reason to not fail, that isn't of our own doing.

But.

What if I told you that a first doesn't actually mean shit and you can double your productivity if you stop worrying about it?

Listen kids, it's as easy as this; worrying makes you procrastinate. It makes you feel like you could shit out of every orifice at once and honestly, not living for it. So, just fucking chill out.

Want to know how? Use my three easy motivational quotes:

1) Uni ain't shit.
2) Your mental health is more important than fantastic grades.
3) UNI AIN'T SHIT.

I'm not giving you a reason to slack off and not try. I'm not saying bunk off uni all the time, drink too much so you're always hungover and do your essay the night before it's due in. I'm saying, that if you try your absolute best and that's a 3rd, YOU STILL DID YOUR BEST.

I used to beat myself up all the time about my grades, to the point of near hospitalisation from my deteriorating mental health (but at least I got all firsts right???? Wrong. Oh my god, so wrong). I used to be jealous of my fellow students who were naturally academic and could boss out an amazing essay in two hours and get a first. I felt like I didn't deserve my place at university and that I would disappoint my parents if I didn't thrive academically. But at the end of the day, I know that I always do my best with every assignment and try my hardest. I work my ass off (that's why it's flat!) in a healthy manner, give myself time to plan, accept extensions and, well, it's the best my mental health has been.

And if I graduate with a 2:2, then that's the cards I've been dealt. I know how hard I worked and my grade does not reflect that... Nor my worth.


Moral of the story? Work hard without burning out. You'll feel a lot better when you take the pressure off yourself.





If you enjoyed my bullshit ramblings, please leave a comment!

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Patchwork personality

If I've struggled with anything in my life, it would be committing. Committing to writing a blog, doing my work, the gym, people. I have major commitment issues, happiness issues and just a general lack of care towards myself and my mental health. Most people would call this a mental illness. But, after being in the NHS mental health care system for over 7 years, I've come to the conclusion that some things cannot be fixed.

What fixes mental health?
- A proper sleep routine
-Three meals a day
-Exercise
- The world being without homophobes, racists, sexists...
-No real life pressure

Do you get my point?

Sometimes, people are lucky. All they need to recover is a healthy sleep routine, standard anti-depressants, cut out caffeine and BOOM- sorted. Not better, but the sadness is manageable. And god, am I fucking jealous. Sometimes my jealously gets the better of me. But it's unrealistic. Life isn't the fairest game I've played but at least I'm trying to learn how to play it to my advantage.

I've accepted that life isn't fair, and NO, it's not pessimistic. It doesn't mean that life is bad, it's just that it's unpredictable and you have to learn how to ride that wave. Learn how to react to things and people and being able to protect yourself from the pain life brings. People die, kids get cancer, pets don't live forever, you lose your wallet, your house burns down; It's often out of your control. When you learn to hand that small amount of control over, you learn to react more calmly and think about what you can do to deal with it.

The thing is, because of this, people think I'm screwed in the head. Because I accept that life isn't fair, that I hold my priorities differently. Because I have commitment issues, I have BPD. Because I sleep a lot, I have depression. Because I care about myself more than most, I have a diagnosed mental health problem.

I'm of the opinion that really, I don't have anything wrong with me, apart from my ability to react appropriately to situations in the past. I wasn't mature enough to know how to understand certain things. I think what the doctors believe to be wrong with me, is just a personality I've had to create to protect myself over the years. Things I've taken from movies and people. Things I've learned so that I can be the best version of a human to deal with life.

It doesn't mean that I've acted perfectly. I've made a lot of mistakes, but so has everyone. But it would make sense as to why medication doesn't work, why therapy doesn't work, why I can't fix myself. Because I really think I'm not broken. I've just never allowed myself to personally flourish like most people. I've had to create this version of myself for protection. And when I'm medicated, it's stripped back to nothing. Because nothing has grown beneath my patchwork personality.


I often wonder, if I hadn't have had past trauma, would I still be the same person?
The answer would be no. I would still be a pushover. I would lie to make people desire me. I'd be scared to tell people when they've disrespected me, I'd still be in the closet, all that bullshit. I'm kinda glad that my life hasn't been smooth sailing; A patchwork personality might be lonely sometimes but you've created the person you really wanted to become. I've taken a piece of every person I've met. Be it the way they laugh, the way they smoke a cigarette, their sadness and their joy. Every person has made me the person I am today, but I have never been more unique.

A thank you to my insomnia

First of all, I hated you. You were the part of me I always liked to hide from people, because it made me feel different. You were the part of my life that made me irritated and lifeless, the thing that sucked the life out of my body but stimulated my mind to the point of destruction. You made me my own worst enemy.

So thank you. 

You made me realise that life continues past 12am. I saw the high spirits of drunk people coming home after a night out, hugging their friends and telling them they loved them. I got to know so many people who worked the night shift, talking to them about everything and nothing. 

You showed me the beauty of 5am, when the skies get lighter and the birds come to life. You helped me appreciate the silence which I never seemed to get. 

You helped me cry into my pillow to get rid of the tensions of my day. I get to see how beautiful my girlfriend looks when she’s sleeping, blissfully unaware of me being awake. Reminding that things can be okay. 

You gave me the peace of mind to think about where I want to go in life, whilst sucking the energy out of me at the same time. You are toxic, but I appreciate you. 

Mental health is a commonly spoke about subject, but still holds certain taboo subjects. Not many people want to display their distress, despite the fact that it’s eating them up inside. 

If you can learn to appreciate the beauty of exhaustion, the luck of witnessing the sunrise and the privilege of your friends helping you through every tough bit, you can get over this hump. 

Everything turns out okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.