Staying sane in a crisis

Unless you've been living under a rock, I can gather that you're aware of the pandemic inching its way around the world and slowly, day by day, seizing our toilet paper and our will to live. Covid-19 has definitely become more famous than any Kardashian, and probably being spoken about more as well (which blows my tiny little mind).

Throughout this time you would imagine that people would be banding together (whilst being 6ft apart) and supporting one another the most they can. Referring to how the supermarkets look, you can gather that this is not the case.
These times are not only worrying for our health or our economy, but terrifying for someone such as myself who has a bundle of mental health problems (topped with the shiny cherry of Autism) and knowing that there's nothing to do to control the situation.

I know for myself, I've been having daily panic attacks, sheer depression and have eaten approximately 200 Reese's peanut butter cups. All I can panic about it my education (or lack there of), my partner who's struggling, my family and my friends who are all being effected by this time. So fuck it, what can I, and you do, to take the pressure off and take control?

Now from the title I can imagine loads of people thinking from the off that, during this crisis, it's a good excuse for me to be lazy. And yeah, you're right. To an extent.

I cannot control the pandemic or stopping my friends and family from getting ill, but I CAN control what I do and how I react to it. Because at the end of the day, I can't be normal because life isn't normal any more. So my first thought was, 'How can I relieve this stress?'.

First step- sack off uni (kind of)

I've decided to take a step back from university and my work towards it currently because the thought of writing about Beyonce's Lemonade during this time seems completely and utterly useless towards my wellbeing. I know that routine is crucial during a time of uncertainty so I'm replacing my work with something that actually brings me joy: MUSIC ITSELF.
I'm listening to my favourite artists, I plan to record music during this time, write more, experience more. Creating is what makes me happiest so honestly, giving myself the relief from University has taken a massive strain off of my life because I know that no matter what type of degree I get or the score I achieve, there's no point aiming towards it if my mental health is in tatters. So, I plan to continue my career and creativity and use this time to nurture my mind and my soul.

Second step- staying lean in quarantine

I have fibromyalgia and HMS which means that if I'm not mobile, I'm in a hell of a lot of pain. I'm not lucky because in a sense I have to be careful about what I eat to not gain too much weight otherwise my joints dislocate.
I am lucky, however, having workout equipment at home to utilise so that I'm not in too much pain. But there's no stopping anyone else from googling workouts to keep their mind and body intact. Meditation, yoga, pilates etc may seem silly but I promise you, your body and brain will thank you for it.
Despite the fact I've had a past eating disorder and this would be the perfect time to control my food, I know that starving my body wont fix this situation, so staying healthy is the main thing to stop insanity. I urge everyone to do the same.

Third step- schedules

I'm a sucker for a schedule to keep me sane, so I'm aiming to wake up every day the same time and write a list of things I want to achieve. I'll pack my days out and just have fun with spending time alone, audio books, knitting, anything; The last thing I want to do is just be sat on my phone and allowing myself to wallow.

The main thing throughout this is to remember that it's not forever and everything will be okay eventually. But don't forget to share kindness, smiles, and stay safe; physically and mentally.

Why I'm not aiming to graduate with a first.

We've all been there.

Looking at our assignment brief, the panic. The sweat. The binge eating Ben and Jerry's in our jammies whilst watching Netflix and hoping to GOD that someone release's the zombie virus we all know the government is hiding from us (looking at you, Ms May) so that we have a reason to not fail, that isn't of our own doing.

But.

What if I told you that a first doesn't actually mean shit and you can double your productivity if you stop worrying about it?

Listen kids, it's as easy as this; worrying makes you procrastinate. It makes you feel like you could shit out of every orifice at once and honestly, not living for it. So, just fucking chill out.

Want to know how? Use my three easy motivational quotes:

1) Uni ain't shit.
2) Your mental health is more important than fantastic grades.
3) UNI AIN'T SHIT.

I'm not giving you a reason to slack off and not try. I'm not saying bunk off uni all the time, drink too much so you're always hungover and do your essay the night before it's due in. I'm saying, that if you try your absolute best and that's a 3rd, YOU STILL DID YOUR BEST.

I used to beat myself up all the time about my grades, to the point of near hospitalisation from my deteriorating mental health (but at least I got all firsts right???? Wrong. Oh my god, so wrong). I used to be jealous of my fellow students who were naturally academic and could boss out an amazing essay in two hours and get a first. I felt like I didn't deserve my place at university and that I would disappoint my parents if I didn't thrive academically. But at the end of the day, I know that I always do my best with every assignment and try my hardest. I work my ass off (that's why it's flat!) in a healthy manner, give myself time to plan, accept extensions and, well, it's the best my mental health has been.

And if I graduate with a 2:2, then that's the cards I've been dealt. I know how hard I worked and my grade does not reflect that... Nor my worth.


Moral of the story? Work hard without burning out. You'll feel a lot better when you take the pressure off yourself.





If you enjoyed my bullshit ramblings, please leave a comment!

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Twitter- @jaymusicoffici1

Patchwork personality

If I've struggled with anything in my life, it would be committing. Committing to writing a blog, doing my work, the gym, people. I have major commitment issues, happiness issues and just a general lack of care towards myself and my mental health. Most people would call this a mental illness. But, after being in the NHS mental health care system for over 7 years, I've come to the conclusion that some things cannot be fixed.

What fixes mental health?
- A proper sleep routine
-Three meals a day
-Exercise
- The world being without homophobes, racists, sexists...
-No real life pressure

Do you get my point?

Sometimes, people are lucky. All they need to recover is a healthy sleep routine, standard anti-depressants, cut out caffeine and BOOM- sorted. Not better, but the sadness is manageable. And god, am I fucking jealous. Sometimes my jealously gets the better of me. But it's unrealistic. Life isn't the fairest game I've played but at least I'm trying to learn how to play it to my advantage.

I've accepted that life isn't fair, and NO, it's not pessimistic. It doesn't mean that life is bad, it's just that it's unpredictable and you have to learn how to ride that wave. Learn how to react to things and people and being able to protect yourself from the pain life brings. People die, kids get cancer, pets don't live forever, you lose your wallet, your house burns down; It's often out of your control. When you learn to hand that small amount of control over, you learn to react more calmly and think about what you can do to deal with it.

The thing is, because of this, people think I'm screwed in the head. Because I accept that life isn't fair, that I hold my priorities differently. Because I have commitment issues, I have BPD. Because I sleep a lot, I have depression. Because I care about myself more than most, I have a diagnosed mental health problem.

I'm of the opinion that really, I don't have anything wrong with me, apart from my ability to react appropriately to situations in the past. I wasn't mature enough to know how to understand certain things. I think what the doctors believe to be wrong with me, is just a personality I've had to create to protect myself over the years. Things I've taken from movies and people. Things I've learned so that I can be the best version of a human to deal with life.

It doesn't mean that I've acted perfectly. I've made a lot of mistakes, but so has everyone. But it would make sense as to why medication doesn't work, why therapy doesn't work, why I can't fix myself. Because I really think I'm not broken. I've just never allowed myself to personally flourish like most people. I've had to create this version of myself for protection. And when I'm medicated, it's stripped back to nothing. Because nothing has grown beneath my patchwork personality.


I often wonder, if I hadn't have had past trauma, would I still be the same person?
The answer would be no. I would still be a pushover. I would lie to make people desire me. I'd be scared to tell people when they've disrespected me, I'd still be in the closet, all that bullshit. I'm kinda glad that my life hasn't been smooth sailing; A patchwork personality might be lonely sometimes but you've created the person you really wanted to become. I've taken a piece of every person I've met. Be it the way they laugh, the way they smoke a cigarette, their sadness and their joy. Every person has made me the person I am today, but I have never been more unique.

A thank you to my insomnia

First of all, I hated you. You were the part of me I always liked to hide from people, because it made me feel different. You were the part of my life that made me irritated and lifeless, the thing that sucked the life out of my body but stimulated my mind to the point of destruction. You made me my own worst enemy.

So thank you. 

You made me realise that life continues past 12am. I saw the high spirits of drunk people coming home after a night out, hugging their friends and telling them they loved them. I got to know so many people who worked the night shift, talking to them about everything and nothing. 

You showed me the beauty of 5am, when the skies get lighter and the birds come to life. You helped me appreciate the silence which I never seemed to get. 

You helped me cry into my pillow to get rid of the tensions of my day. I get to see how beautiful my girlfriend looks when she’s sleeping, blissfully unaware of me being awake. Reminding that things can be okay. 

You gave me the peace of mind to think about where I want to go in life, whilst sucking the energy out of me at the same time. You are toxic, but I appreciate you. 

Mental health is a commonly spoke about subject, but still holds certain taboo subjects. Not many people want to display their distress, despite the fact that it’s eating them up inside. 

If you can learn to appreciate the beauty of exhaustion, the luck of witnessing the sunrise and the privilege of your friends helping you through every tough bit, you can get over this hump. 

Everything turns out okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. 

Your mental health and education

Mental health is one of those topics that's slightly taboo, yet everyone talks about it. Most people are very willing to help others fight their inner battles, yet fail to take their own advice. Although it's easier said than done (coming from the person who would beat up their best friends depression for them, but will hide under their bed watching Netflix until 3am), your mental health has to be in top physical form so that you can thrive and make the most of university.

Think of it like trying to run a marathon on a sprained ankle. You think to begin with you're able to power through and that you can handle it. But then, you realise you've put too much pressure on it and have to stop because it's too much, causing you much more damage in the long run.
You mental health is the same. If you don't help yourself heal, you won't be able to continue and finish the race and might hinder your healing in the future.
My two main tips to help you are these:

TALK TO PEOPLE!
I don't mean just talking to your friends. I mean, talking to your university, or your parents, or even the staff at your accommodation. Universities understand  that it can be a tough transition, so they'll do their best to make your experience of university more comfortable. If you can't talk to your parents about it, then the accommodation will do their utmost best to ensure that you feel safe and sound.

SELF! HECKING! CARE!!
Now y'all aint gonna like this, but self care isn't just driving yourself into your overdraft with retail therapy. It's making sure you sleep enough at night, showering enough and exercising. It's trying to eat three meals a day and balancing your social life with studying. Yeah, Starbucks is great, but having a balanced life is better. You'll thank yourself for it in the future.

Now, that's enough patronising from me for one day. Help yourself so you can go from this-

 To this!

Stay happy, stay healthy and stay fab!

IG- @jasminepageofficial
Twitter- @_jasmine_page

University

First of all, HELLO OUTERNET, I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE DEAD!

Or maybe I'm writing from Hell. Who knows.

Anywho, it's been a wild fricking ride from my gap year to now. I grew accustomed to the relaxing life of a waitress and snugging it up with my cat every night, so I'd be lying if I said going to university wasn't deemed as scary.

So the first thing that bumbled up on my not so interesting life, was university halls. My first reaction to realising I'd have to socialise kind of looked like this:


But then I realised that we all got on pretty well, and did some amazing things in freshers such as drunk golf (amazing), drunk bowling (not safe but hilarious) and getting drunk in general. Not to mention cute coffee dates, sitting hungover watching jail documentaries and just enjoying each others company.

BUT THEN CAME UNIVERSITY. AND BOY, BUCKLE UP.
Walking into those lectures, palms sweating (knees weak, mom's spaghetti etc) and feeling like a butterfly took multiple shits in my stomach, an amazing realisation dawned upon my crumpled up newspaper of a brain;
EVERYONE IS IN THE SAME BOAT.
Every single student, hungover and smelling slightly like pot noodles and vodka from the night before, is experiencing the same kinda thing. They don't really care about you, because they're trying to get through their own emotions as well. Also, everyone greets you with a handshake, which isn't what I was expecting.

I might have also gone in for the fist bump when someone tried to give me a handshake and wanted to set myself on fire because I'm a failure of a human being (shh).

ANYWHO, in general, I've discovered some groovy-ass people and my love of music business, which I also wasn't expecting, considering the thought of anything to do with using a singular brain cell makes me want to use Russian roulette as pre-drinks.

Too far?

That's all for now, folks. What's the most exciting thing you've found about uni?
Tune in next week for more anecdotes of my not so exciting life. :)

Instagram- @jasminepageofficial
Twitter- @_jasmine_page

Change pt 2 (and why it feels a bit rubbish)

Hello, everyone on the internet.
All 42 of you who read my last post.

Today's blog is a little more serious than the latter, as my brain has decided to RKO me out of nowhere and take a massive shit on my emotions.
(I did say it was a LITTLE more serious...)

Although I'm planning fun and exciting things for my year, it feels as though 2017 got off to a rocky start. The pit of anxiety that usually resides in my stomach like a surly dragon, decided to rear its ugly head and make me stand up for myself and my feelings. In doing so, I hurt myself and I've hurt people who I sincereley care about. But because of my actions, my anxiety pushed its way through and for the first time in a while, I truly took control of a situation.

So why do I feel so shitty?

I know WHY I feel so shitty. But the real question is, how long will these emotions last?
Emotions, although they feel overwhelming within the moment, are ultimately temporary if you so choose it. It's hard, and I can't say that I'm great at instantly cheering myself up. I can, however, reassure you that this will pass, and it won't be long until you can smile without wondering what's worth smilimg for.
My reasons for change were selfish, but for my (and others) own good. I chose to be selfish and I hope that in the future, the people I hurt can look at me with nostalgia and good memories; Not hate and sadness. Because even when you choose to change, sometimes it takes a while for your feelings to catch up. They're not quite as fast as your reflexes, but when you know you need to do something, you know. You feel like you've been punched in the gut, as though the world is falling at your feet but you can't control it. You have to be strong and carry on, especially if your lack of change could hurt the person you care about in the near future.

The only way I can describe emerging from a depression, is like seeing the sun shine for the first time. Colour floods back to everything slowly. You walk a little faster. You laugh a little lighter.
I do believe that you can do it. So, I need to start believing that I can do it too.