We've all been there.
Looking at our assignment brief, the panic. The sweat. The binge eating Ben and Jerry's in our jammies whilst watching Netflix and hoping to GOD that someone release's the zombie virus we all know the government is hiding from us (looking at you, Ms May) so that we have a reason to not fail, that isn't of our own doing.
But.
What if I told you that a first doesn't actually mean shit and you can double your productivity if you stop worrying about it?
Listen kids, it's as easy as this; worrying makes you procrastinate. It makes you feel like you could shit out of every orifice at once and honestly, not living for it. So, just fucking chill out.
Want to know how? Use my three easy motivational quotes:
1) Uni ain't shit.
2) Your mental health is more important than fantastic grades.
3) UNI AIN'T SHIT.
I'm not giving you a reason to slack off and not try. I'm not saying bunk off uni all the time, drink too much so you're always hungover and do your essay the night before it's due in. I'm saying, that if you try your absolute best and that's a 3rd, YOU STILL DID YOUR BEST.
I used to beat myself up all the time about my grades, to the point of near hospitalisation from my deteriorating mental health (but at least I got all firsts right???? Wrong. Oh my god, so wrong). I used to be jealous of my fellow students who were naturally academic and could boss out an amazing essay in two hours and get a first. I felt like I didn't deserve my place at university and that I would disappoint my parents if I didn't thrive academically. But at the end of the day, I know that I always do my best with every assignment and try my hardest. I work my ass off (that's why it's flat!) in a healthy manner, give myself time to plan, accept extensions and, well, it's the best my mental health has been.
And if I graduate with a 2:2, then that's the cards I've been dealt. I know how hard I worked and my grade does not reflect that... Nor my worth.
Moral of the story? Work hard without burning out. You'll feel a lot better when you take the pressure off yourself.
If you enjoyed my bullshit ramblings, please leave a comment!
Instagram- @jaymusicofficiall
Twitter- @jaymusicoffici1
Tuesday 16 April 2019
Sunday 17 February 2019
Patchwork personality
If I've struggled with anything in my life, it would be committing. Committing to writing a blog, doing my work, the gym, people. I have major commitment issues, happiness issues and just a general lack of care towards myself and my mental health. Most people would call this a mental illness. But, after being in the NHS mental health care system for over 7 years, I've come to the conclusion that some things cannot be fixed.
What fixes mental health?
- A proper sleep routine
-Three meals a day
-Exercise
- The world being without homophobes, racists, sexists...
-No real life pressure
Do you get my point?
Sometimes, people are lucky. All they need to recover is a healthy sleep routine, standard anti-depressants, cut out caffeine and BOOM- sorted. Not better, but the sadness is manageable. And god, am I fucking jealous. Sometimes my jealously gets the better of me. But it's unrealistic. Life isn't the fairest game I've played but at least I'm trying to learn how to play it to my advantage.
I've accepted that life isn't fair, and NO, it's not pessimistic. It doesn't mean that life is bad, it's just that it's unpredictable and you have to learn how to ride that wave. Learn how to react to things and people and being able to protect yourself from the pain life brings. People die, kids get cancer, pets don't live forever, you lose your wallet, your house burns down; It's often out of your control. When you learn to hand that small amount of control over, you learn to react more calmly and think about what you can do to deal with it.
The thing is, because of this, people think I'm screwed in the head. Because I accept that life isn't fair, that I hold my priorities differently. Because I have commitment issues, I have BPD. Because I sleep a lot, I have depression. Because I care about myself more than most, I have a diagnosed mental health problem.
I'm of the opinion that really, I don't have anything wrong with me, apart from my ability to react appropriately to situations in the past. I wasn't mature enough to know how to understand certain things. I think what the doctors believe to be wrong with me, is just a personality I've had to create to protect myself over the years. Things I've taken from movies and people. Things I've learned so that I can be the best version of a human to deal with life.
It doesn't mean that I've acted perfectly. I've made a lot of mistakes, but so has everyone. But it would make sense as to why medication doesn't work, why therapy doesn't work, why I can't fix myself. Because I really think I'm not broken. I've just never allowed myself to personally flourish like most people. I've had to create this version of myself for protection. And when I'm medicated, it's stripped back to nothing. Because nothing has grown beneath my patchwork personality.
I often wonder, if I hadn't have had past trauma, would I still be the same person?
The answer would be no. I would still be a pushover. I would lie to make people desire me. I'd be scared to tell people when they've disrespected me, I'd still be in the closet, all that bullshit. I'm kinda glad that my life hasn't been smooth sailing; A patchwork personality might be lonely sometimes but you've created the person you really wanted to become. I've taken a piece of every person I've met. Be it the way they laugh, the way they smoke a cigarette, their sadness and their joy. Every person has made me the person I am today, but I have never been more unique.
What fixes mental health?
- A proper sleep routine
-Three meals a day
-Exercise
- The world being without homophobes, racists, sexists...
-No real life pressure
Do you get my point?
Sometimes, people are lucky. All they need to recover is a healthy sleep routine, standard anti-depressants, cut out caffeine and BOOM- sorted. Not better, but the sadness is manageable. And god, am I fucking jealous. Sometimes my jealously gets the better of me. But it's unrealistic. Life isn't the fairest game I've played but at least I'm trying to learn how to play it to my advantage.
I've accepted that life isn't fair, and NO, it's not pessimistic. It doesn't mean that life is bad, it's just that it's unpredictable and you have to learn how to ride that wave. Learn how to react to things and people and being able to protect yourself from the pain life brings. People die, kids get cancer, pets don't live forever, you lose your wallet, your house burns down; It's often out of your control. When you learn to hand that small amount of control over, you learn to react more calmly and think about what you can do to deal with it.
The thing is, because of this, people think I'm screwed in the head. Because I accept that life isn't fair, that I hold my priorities differently. Because I have commitment issues, I have BPD. Because I sleep a lot, I have depression. Because I care about myself more than most, I have a diagnosed mental health problem.
I'm of the opinion that really, I don't have anything wrong with me, apart from my ability to react appropriately to situations in the past. I wasn't mature enough to know how to understand certain things. I think what the doctors believe to be wrong with me, is just a personality I've had to create to protect myself over the years. Things I've taken from movies and people. Things I've learned so that I can be the best version of a human to deal with life.
It doesn't mean that I've acted perfectly. I've made a lot of mistakes, but so has everyone. But it would make sense as to why medication doesn't work, why therapy doesn't work, why I can't fix myself. Because I really think I'm not broken. I've just never allowed myself to personally flourish like most people. I've had to create this version of myself for protection. And when I'm medicated, it's stripped back to nothing. Because nothing has grown beneath my patchwork personality.
I often wonder, if I hadn't have had past trauma, would I still be the same person?
The answer would be no. I would still be a pushover. I would lie to make people desire me. I'd be scared to tell people when they've disrespected me, I'd still be in the closet, all that bullshit. I'm kinda glad that my life hasn't been smooth sailing; A patchwork personality might be lonely sometimes but you've created the person you really wanted to become. I've taken a piece of every person I've met. Be it the way they laugh, the way they smoke a cigarette, their sadness and their joy. Every person has made me the person I am today, but I have never been more unique.
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