If I've struggled with anything in my life, it would be committing. Committing to writing a blog, doing my work, the gym, people. I have major commitment issues, happiness issues and just a general lack of care towards myself and my mental health. Most people would call this a mental illness. But, after being in the NHS mental health care system for over 7 years, I've come to the conclusion that some things cannot be fixed.
What fixes mental health?
- A proper sleep routine
-Three meals a day
-Exercise
- The world being without homophobes, racists, sexists...
-No real life pressure
Do you get my point?
Sometimes, people are lucky. All they need to recover is a healthy sleep routine, standard anti-depressants, cut out caffeine and BOOM- sorted. Not better, but the sadness is manageable. And god, am I fucking jealous. Sometimes my jealously gets the better of me. But it's unrealistic. Life isn't the fairest game I've played but at least I'm trying to learn how to play it to my advantage.
I've accepted that life isn't fair, and NO, it's not pessimistic. It doesn't mean that life is bad, it's just that it's unpredictable and you have to learn how to ride that wave. Learn how to react to things and people and being able to protect yourself from the pain life brings. People die, kids get cancer, pets don't live forever, you lose your wallet, your house burns down; It's often out of your control. When you learn to hand that small amount of control over, you learn to react more calmly and think about what you can do to deal with it.
The thing is, because of this, people think I'm screwed in the head. Because I accept that life isn't fair, that I hold my priorities differently. Because I have commitment issues, I have BPD. Because I sleep a lot, I have depression. Because I care about myself more than most, I have a diagnosed mental health problem.
I'm of the opinion that really, I don't have anything wrong with me, apart from my ability to react appropriately to situations in the past. I wasn't mature enough to know how to understand certain things. I think what the doctors believe to be wrong with me, is just a personality I've had to create to protect myself over the years. Things I've taken from movies and people. Things I've learned so that I can be the best version of a human to deal with life.
It doesn't mean that I've acted perfectly. I've made a lot of mistakes, but so has everyone. But it would make sense as to why medication doesn't work, why therapy doesn't work, why I can't fix myself. Because I really think I'm not broken. I've just never allowed myself to personally flourish like most people. I've had to create this version of myself for protection. And when I'm medicated, it's stripped back to nothing. Because nothing has grown beneath my patchwork personality.
I often wonder, if I hadn't have had past trauma, would I still be the same person?
The answer would be no. I would still be a pushover. I would lie to make people desire me. I'd be scared to tell people when they've disrespected me, I'd still be in the closet, all that bullshit. I'm kinda glad that my life hasn't been smooth sailing; A patchwork personality might be lonely sometimes but you've created the person you really wanted to become. I've taken a piece of every person I've met. Be it the way they laugh, the way they smoke a cigarette, their sadness and their joy. Every person has made me the person I am today, but I have never been more unique.
