I thought I'd written a blog a lot sooner than the previous but it turns out I drafted it, which, looking back on its content... I can see why I did that.
Things seem to be drifting back to normality in this crazy world which seems mad to me, considering the threat is still the same as before. I guess when you get used to something the fear kind of slides away. I'm still hoping for the day I wake up and they say 'hey, april fools, here's the vaccine ya punks!' but alas, something tells me that won't be happening any time soon.
For myself personally, this pandemic has kind of been a good thing for me mentally (hear me out. Don't bite my head off, I know people have died which is NOT what I want so don't cancel me yet).
When my mental health was at its worst, I always said 'I don't wanna die. I just want time to stop for a bit, so I can live without expectation or responsibilities'.
So what I'm saying is that my depression may have caused the pandemic. Maybe.
Probably not. But maybe.
With the pressure of socialising, university lectures and living away from home taken off my shoulders, I was able to really heal and I'm finally at a point in my life where, shit can hit the fan, and I just take a deep breath, accept the circumstances and then see how I can get around the situation. Even a few months ago I wasn't mentally strong enough to leave my house unless it involved getting a packet of smokes (which I've managed to kick mostly wahoo). I'm finally unmedicated (and thriving without it), I've prioritised my mental wellbeing and MOST OF ALL- I'm actually??? Happy???
Like genuinely. I don't make suicide jokes anymore.
I know.
Despite the fact that I've had a few curve balls thrown my way as of recent (pre-music release slump, feeling bored, newly single, etc) I've actually managed to cope without depending on negative crutches to get me through the day. And if the negative crutches have risen (such as forgetting to eat, smoking, crying until my eyes fall out of my head) I've managed to rationalise them and say to myself-
'Hey, life is pretty shit right now. But. These feelings are temporary and treating yourself like shit won't fix the situation. The only person you're hurting is yourself. So stop crying, dance around naked to George Michael and get over yourself.'
Harsh? Yes.
Needed? Definitely.
I had a day recently where I genuinely cried for a solid 24 hours and I couldn't imagine life getting better. And then I got naked, had a herbal tea, put on my big girl pants (metaphorical of course, gotta love being nakey) and realised that feeling sorry for myself wouldn't make me feel better. I know this is a viewpoint of privilege; I've had a fuck ton of heartbreak and therapy, rock bottoms and overdoses that led me to the mental position I'm in now. But save yourself the heartache of destroying yourself and get in there early, something I wish I'd done. Use your past mistakes as a place to grow from, don't think negatively about the person who hurt you, remember to take a deep breath.
So my main tips for staying motivated when things are shattered?
Fuck motivation. Slip in a cheeky finger of dedication. Set your fucking schedule. Get up out of bed even if you don't want to. Listen to a song or a podcast that makes you smile. But most of all, accept your situation. Stop thinking about the 'what if's' and the 'maybe's'. The only way is forward and you can't move in that direction if the baggage of your past is weighing you down.
Peace out punks,
J x
