I initially was coming on to BlogSpot to vent out some feelings of how my life is going right now.
How things are going well but in reality, half the time I feel like I'm kicking wildly to keep my head above water. How I've gained weight on purpose to restore my missing periods after years of abusing my body, yet all I want to do is go back to how I used to look because it's been my 'normal' since I was 18. How, I miss my friends yet all I seem to be doing recently is losing them, one by one. How I feel like a fraud in my art, because even though my streams and listeners are going up, due to hard work and dedication, it feels like a fluke, a play of luck, that I didn't earn.
But when I loaded my page, I saw this empty draft, with the title, 'How to heal your broken heart... When you broke it yourself'.
It was drafted on August 14th. I'd recently left a relationship that I'm still getting over mentally, and was VERY much feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like the villain, feeling like all I do is infect people and make them sick, everything I touched fell to shit in almost an instant. And yeah, some of that was true; I can see where I was toxic, but I can also see now that I'm just a human who makes mistakes and always did things with the best intentions. How the people who have hurt me, yeah they suck, but they're also human too. They mess up. They say stuff they regret. It doesn't mean it's excusable or that that behaviour is acceptable, but it does mean that they're not immune to being fuckups. Do I forgive them? Mostly, yes. But not for the sake of them or the hopes that all those who have hurt me will want me back. It's for me. Myself. And if I'm struggling to forgive them, I at least ACCEPT the situation for what it was and currently is.
The thing is, is that I was the only one standing in my way of recovering from my mental health problems. It doesn't mean that it was easy for me to move out the way of myself; shit, that was the second hardest thing I had to do on my bumpy journey of self love. The first, being accepting that although people have contributed to my trauma, my 'internalised pain' (if you wanna make it sound like a Paramore song), I was the person holding on to the grief, I was the person self destructing, I was the one holding on to my anger and taking it out on every person that was in lashing distance. I was the one who wasn't healed enough to accept the love given to me by my previous partner(s), that was ME. No-one else. So I took a grim look at my life and slowly, but surely, stepped out of my own way.
It's been so hard, man.
I'm so exhausted.
But I don't regret a single, fucking choice I've made this year.
I'm proud of my achievements, fuck me, I finished a degree and wrote my dissertation whilst I was recovering from Psychosis and a relapse in my Anorexia for fucks sake. I released music I was so proud of, I quit smoking and drinking excessively, I now have a wonderful relationship with food, I'm so fucking PROUD of the fact that I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone, addressing my body image issues, eating real food which isn't just fucking diet coke and black coffee and the fact I can sleep in my bed without feeling things that aren't there and having flashbacks that made me want the world to collapse on me because the thing is this was only POSSIBLE because I chose this road.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself.
I allowed myself to grieve without it consuming me.
I'm learning to accept that I'm only as toxic as the people I attract.
I'm learning that there's an actual future for me, as long as I keep myself in check. Recovery isn't a limited time; it's something you practice every. damn. day. I have moments of weaknesses, yes, where I wanna give up, but I look at all my hard work and realise that I'm so close to having the life I want.
So, to answer your question; How do you heal a heart that you broke yourself?
You accept that whatever's happened, has happened. That it's gonna be tough. That you're a human. Humanize yourself. People love to pin blame on others so they don't feel guilty. But you've probably messed up. I know that I have. And those who fucked you over, you have to accept that it's done, for your sake. Forgive yourself, accept your shit, and look into how you can make those changes so you can have the life you deserve. But one step forward is better than standing still and I'm proud of you for even considering recovery.
I'm not a doctor, or a therapist, but I'm always an open ear. Look after yourselves.
Jay x
